#IT’S A HOGWARTS AU WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO TAKE MUGGLE STUDIES FIRST YEAR TO LEARN ABOUT ACCEPTANCE AND SOMETIMES THEY TAKE BREAKS AND COLOR AND STUFF AND DRACO IS /BORED/ BECAUSE THEY DON’T MOVE AND WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS A /CRAYOLA/? AND THEN HE DRAWS HIS FAMILY EXCEPT THEY ALL KIND OF LOOK LIKE BLOND BOBS AND SOMEONE (HARRY) TELLS HIM THAT HE’S NOT COLORING INSIDE HIS LINES CORRECTLY AND DRACO GLARES AT HIM AND SAYS THAT ACTUALLY /SCARFACE/ HE DOES NOT TAKE /ORDERS/ FROM /LINES/ AND HARRY SAYS ‘BUT THAT’S THE RULE’ AND DRACO SNEERS /JUST WAIT TIL MY FATHER HEARS ABOUT THIS THEN WE’LL SEE HOW IMPORTANT YOUR BLOODY LINES ARE/
#picturing little draco imperiously shouting WHAT IS A CRAYOLA and harry quickly is like crayola’s terrible here use roseart instead and dean thomas hides a grin and draco throws his box of crayons at harry’s head and says DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO but he picks up a roseart crayon because it’s time to get started on his pièce de résistance which he calls ‘die potter die’ and features no less than seventeen ways in which he’d like harry to meet his end one of which involves hary tripping over his own feet into a vat of acid except roseart is shit everyone knows that WHAT IS THIS draco howls indignantly PROFESSOR POTTER IS TRYING TO SABOTAGE MY MASTERPIECE TELL HIM TO GIVE ME THE CRAYOLA and harry’s like fine malfoy look we can share and draco’s like I DON’T THINK SO POTTER YOU’VE ALREADY TRIED TO SABOTAGE ME ONCE I CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOUR DEVILISH WILES
#THE POTTER CHILD IS EVERYTHING YOU SAID HE WOULD BE AND WORSE FATHER WAX CRAYONS I TELL YOU HE WOULD HAVE ME USE WAX CRAYONS IT’S UNTHINKABLE FATHER IT’S POSITIVELY UNACCEPTABLE DON’T YOU THINK #draco writes violently on a sheet of purple construction paper #lucius weeps when he reads it then sits in his study looking consumptive and tragic until narcissa brings him a stiff drink
Somehow the starkid fandom find a way
batman: come over
me: i’m busy
batman: my parents aren’t home
one time when i was like 12 my dad wanted me to put a dvd in the dvd player and i was like ‘what do i get in return’ and he said ‘you can have half of the winnings of this stupid lotto ticket’ and he ended up winning 600,000 dollars and i was so pleased with myself. 300,000 dollars when youre 12 is pretty much like infinity dollars. he was so mad
what’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants ?
one’s a crusty bus station and one’s a busty crustacean#i’ve told this joke a million times and it NEVER fails
things that will always sound sarcastic
- good for you
- thanks a lot
- yeah right
- nice to know
- way to go
- ok buddy
Not if you say ‘man’ at the end
ok buddy man
I might not have thought that last one through
Fudge recipe on a headstone
I feel like I should make this just to be able to say a dead person taught me how to make it. Maybe I’ll do it for Halloween.
I desperately hope that she spent her entire life telling people that they could have her fudge recipe “over my dead body.”
That last comment is absolutely worth reblogging.